Buddy: Why don’t you just say it? I’m the worst toy maker in the world. I’m a cotton-headed ninny-muggins.
Elves: (Gasps)
Ming Ming: No, buddy, you’re not a cotton-headed ninny-muggins. We all just have different talents. That’s all.
Buddy: Seems like everyone else has the same talents except for me.
Ming Ming: You… you have, you have lots of talents, uh…Special talents in fact, like Um, uh… Special talents?
Female Elf: You changed the batteries in the smoke detector.
Working Elf: You sure did…triple A’s. And in six months, you’ll have to check ’em again…Won’t he?
Fume Fume: And you’re the only baritone in the elf choir. You bring us down a whole octave.
Working Elf II: In a good way.
Ming Ming: See, buddy? You’re not a cotton-headed ninny-muggings. You’re just… special.
-Elf
Have you ever had that conversation or any variation of it? Is there someone in your life who is just…special? Perhaps there is a diagnosis looming like a dark cloud over your family. Is this person capable of understanding, but does not know it?
Confronting your special kid with a disability can be the event to end all events! Seriously, depending on your kid, and how you approach it, that meeting could go anywhere. Before you approach the intervention you need to figure out if it is time. Are you ready to slap a label on your child? See, When to Tell Your Kid He Has Autism.
Six months ago, we informed our two boys (12 and 10 years old), that they were on the autism spectrum. Going in, I felt like one would probably be cool about it depending on the presentation. And one would have a Luke Skywalker-like reaction to, “Luke, I am your father!” (Darth Vader voice).
Cotton-Headed Ninny-Muggins
Ming Ming: Buddy is killing me. I already got Lum Lum and Choo Choo pulling doubles.
Fume Fume: That was quick thinking yesterday, with that special talents thing.
Ming Ming: I feel bad for the guy. I just hope he doesn’t get wise.
Fume Fume: Well, if he hasn’t figured out He’s a human by now, I don’t think he ever will.
-Elf
I am pumped that it is Christmas so I can use quotes from Elf to make my points! In case you have not seen Elf this year, Buddy discovers that he is human, and not an elf, by overhearing the above conversation. There is only one big DO NOT rule in informing your kid he has a disability. And that is DO NOT LET SOMEONE ELSE TELL HIM! Drugs, Sex, Uncle Earl has a toupee. There are simply those things that need to come from a parent. Having a disability tops that list.
If your child finds out and/or discusses his or her disability with anyone other than a parent, then you are the cotton-headed ninny-muggins.
How to Share the News
1. Find a Happy Place. Make this entire day as positive as possible. Is there an activity your kid loves or a place?
2. Super Hero. There are certain people in this world who have special powers; your kid is one of them. List the powers. Keep it real though. Talk about the positives and the negatives.
3. We are a Team! Going forward we will support, discuss, and explore together. OWN IT.
Pretty basic instructions huh? There is a reason for that. It is the same reason why kids do not come with a general manual. Every kid is unique. Add super hero powers and weaknesses and you have limitless variations and outcomes into your child’s life.
Making mistakes is inevitable in figuring out your multifaceted youngster who calls you mom or dad. I just try to have more successes than blunders. This was a huge issue, so when we broke the news to our two, very different boys, I was really hoping to get this right.
A Day on the Lake
Our Lake Powell, multi-family vacation last summer was epic. Mid-week and mid-day, my wife and I decided it was time. We took our 10-year-old to the privacy of the top deck of a houseboat. This was the kid I was worried would have the Luke Skywalker reaction. So get the hard one done first, right? We had been to Lake Powell for the first time two years previous and spent a day in Zion National Park on our way out. We were contemplating making another stop in the park on this trip. So Zion was on our minds.
I told my 10-year-old that 10 years ago I stayed at a resort called Zion Ponderosa. During that trip I spent one day hiking Zion Narrows with a small group. Among our group was the owner of the resort, David Neeleman. As a boy, Mr. Neeleman had some troubles not unlike the troubles you have. He had ADHD and possibly other impairments. Today, not only does he own Zion Ponderosa, but he is the founder of Jet Blue Airlines as well as three other airlines. He is an ultra-successful entrepreneur who is really a cool guy.
I talked about Steve Jobs who had dyslexia and Bill Gates who people speculate has Aspergers. There are no shortages of important businessmen or celebrities who have a disability, and I threw a few more names into my story.
I then asked my son how it was possible that all these people could be so successful, and yet have a disability. He replied that maybe it was not a disability but something that helps them. I told him he was absolutely right. They have strengths that other people do not have. They might also have negative behaviors or abnormal problems they had to or are trying to overcome.
My wife and I then turned the discussion to our son. We grouped him in with these celebrities and talked about his super powers. His ability to read and retain is amazing. He is a sponge and can rehearse to anyone a million facts about who knows what. We told him he is brilliant because he has a diagnosis called Asperger’s Syndrome, which is on the autism spectrum.
We listed more of his strengths and then some of his weaknesses. We talked about his lack of friends and social awareness and how some things might be more difficult for him. We discussed why he gets pulled out of class for special services. We talked about things that used to hard for him but now are not, because he overcame them. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. His are a little different than most. That’s all. We listed and talked more about his strengths and powers.
We told him how much we loved him and how proud we are of him. We asked him what kinds of supports he wanted from us. We opened up the lines of communication and told him we would always be there to discuss or help him with anything. He responded exactly like I would have. And that is, this is all fine and dandy, but he would rather not discuss it with anyone.
One down, one to go. Riding on the high of this successful conversation, my wife and I hugged our 10-year-old and went looking for our 12-year-old.
We found Tyler in our bedroom, a small space at the bottom of the houseboat big enough to fit only a mattress. I rehearsed the same story I had just told his little brother, but with more bells and whistles. Ty needs more of a show. So I was animated and energized and threw a few more names into the pool of celebs, including athletes. When we got to the autism part, he said, “I feel like my whole life makes sense now.” He loved it! He told us it made him feel complete. He could not get enough of it and wanted to talk to everyone about it. I thought it would die off, but after six months, he is ruling the spectrum.
